As I uploaded my final essay (for term one) last night, I had a sudden feeling of fear of not doing well enough. Up until I had handed in my first (of four) essay last week, I was still feeling pretty confident that I will be ok. However, I don’t feel that anymore now.
Writing four essays within a week does a lot to your brains. Not only do the four essays not connect in anyway, they are of brand new areas that I have never researched on before. I enjoyed researching, reading and writing the essays, but by the end of the process, my brains gave up.
The final essay, one on feminine writing (I picked it because I actually do not like anything feministic and thought that it would mean that I would have loads to write about… which was true… but), it ended up being a two and a half thousand word rant with references. I think that’s the problem with getting women to write about anything to do with women… we end up ranting.
So not having any time to change my essay topic completely, or re-write the essay, which I wouldn’t have any idea where to start again anyway, I handed it in with a heavy heart. I am hoping that the research that comes through from the essay is enough to give me a pass. Keep your fingers crossed please.
I started wondering as to why I was not too stressed out before, even just after the new year when the deadlines were looming close and I had not done anything but eat, drink and be merry throughout the holidays. I realised that it is the way my body and mind copes with stress. Before the deadlines, my mind kept me calm so that I may write the essays without freaking out. Afterwards, my mind tells me how shit I have done as a form of Automatic Internal Expectations Management System (AIEMS). My AIEMS is so damn good that I actually feel like I will be failing all my papers. Hopefully, what this means is that IF I pass, then I will be overjoyed. Do you have an AIEMS too?
So, first blog post after the new year, after all my deadlines and it’s a bit of a downer so far… so I am going to turn the happy dial up a little. I have a crazy idea for a dissertation topic, which one lecturer has very cautiously remarked to be a possible research piece, but it will be a make or break project. If it makes, I will definitely push to delve deep into it for a PhD research… if it breaks, I think I’ll be cleaning up my CV and heading back to the world of project management. Again… keep your fingers crossed, pretty please.
Another piece of happy news here is that I wrote to an American professor who is doing some leading work on the area I am interested in, and she replied! Those of you who followed my FB status updates will know how happy I was when she replied and how nervous I was when I emailed her. Anyway, I might get the opportunity to meet her to discuss my research idea in the summer!
As the new term kicks off and we print off new reading lists, source books and note new deadlines, we will also be gearing ourselves up to another mind-broadening term full of new knowledge.
Here’s to 2012 everyone! May it bring you whatever you want and more!